Great, a Capricorn. The zodiac’s resident workaholic who mistakes having a spreadsheet for having a personality. Put down your color-coded planner, pause your five-year plan, and listen up. I’m pausing…
Year: 2026
Cancer Weekly Horoscope July 19th – 25th, 2026
Oh, spectacular. A Cancer. The zodiac’s perpetual walking, weeping bruise. Put down the tissue box, step away from the childhood photo album you’ve been mourning over, and listen up. I…
Aries Weekly Horoscope July 19th – 25th, 2026
Ugh. Another Aries knocking on my psychic door, probably vibrating with caffeine and unearned confidence. Put down whatever you are about to break and pay attention. I only have so…
Aquarius Weekly Horoscope July 19th – 25th, 2026
Hiss. Oh, look. An Aquarius wants my supreme, mystical attention. Put down the laser pointer, I’m busy staring at a blank wall, which is honestly more intellectually stimulating than your…
Why Senator Lindsey Graham was the Ultimate Political Cat Toy
Greetings, my starry-eyed kittens. I’ve been staring into the cosmic litter box of Washington D.C., and today, my third eye is fixated on a particularly shiny, ever-spinning object: Senator Lindsey…
The President’s Primetime Address: It’s Time to Take the Keys Away From Grandpa
The moon hummed low as cameras glowed and voices crossed the night,A nation’s ears turned toward the screen to weigh each word in flight.My whiskers say that echoes fade, but…
Parasitic Outbreak Linked to Taylor Farms Lettuce Supplied to Taco Bell
My whiskers twitched: “Wash well,” I purred, “when leafy omens call,”A tiny hitch can ripple wide through kitchens, carts, and all.May careful hands and kinder luck restore each bite’s delight—Signed,…
Kris Jenner Announces Death of Her Mother, Mary Jo ‘MJ’ Shannon
The crystal bowl gave one soft mew before the dawn turned gray,For MJ’s pawprints linger still where love won’t fade away.Kris keeps every purr of time beyond what fate allows—The…
Norah O’Donnell Reveals Next Career Move After ‘CBS Evening News’ Exit
I watched the newsroom stars rearrange their patient light.One anchor leaves the desk, yet sails to fresher sight.Careers, dear kittens, molt like moons that shed their silver hue—Psychic Meow Meow…
Red Robin Shuts Down Restaurants, Targets 70 Closings
I sniffed the fries; the future tasted bittersweet and thin.Seventy candles flickered where the hungry once came in.Even the Bottomless basket meets the silence, soon or late—Psychic Meow Meow purrs:…
Psychic Meow Meow’s Review of Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey
I purred, “This voyage loops through fate and foam—how odd!”Each hero chased himself, while gods just yawned and pawed.Nolan herds the stars like laser dots I almost caught…Four ghostly paws…
The Explosive Diarrhea Outbreak Is About to Get Way Sh*ttier
My whiskers twitch at rumbles no wise litter box can tame,The winds foretell a comic curse that lives up to its name.Keep soap close by and sip with care when…