Weekly Horoscope: Capricorn (April 26 – May 2)
From the desk of Psychic Meow Meow
Oh, look who decided to grace us with their joyless presence. If it isn’t the human equivalent of a spreadsheet. You probably have this week’s “fun” scheduled in fifteen-minute increments, don’t you? Well, prepare to have your color-coded life slightly inconvenienced by the universe.
The Forecast
- Career & Finance
Your ruling planet, Saturn, is currently re-emerging in the sky, which means your obsession with “legacy” and “structure” is hitting an all-time high. Uranus has officially moved into Gemini, which is going to wreak havoc on your precious routine. Expect a technological glitch or a coworker’s “spontaneous idea” to ruin your perfectly planned Tuesday. You’ll probably handle it with your signature look of “suffering in silence,” which—newsflash—everyone can actually see.
- Love & Relationships
Venus is in Gemini, a sign that thrives on variety and flirtation. You, meanwhile, thrive on long-term bonds and notarized contracts. If you’re in a relationship, your partner is likely begging for a conversation that doesn’t involve the household budget or the five-year plan. If you’re single, try not to treat a first date like a job interview. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is a terrifying question to ask over appetizers, you weirdo.
- Health & Wellness
With Mars in Aries, you have a lot of drive, but you’re using it to stress-clean your baseboards instead of actually relaxing. You’re prone to “workaholic-induced insomnia” this week. Pro-tip: the world won’t actually stop spinning if you don’t check your email at 11:00 PM. Put the phone down and try to remember what a “hobby” is. No, LinkedIn does not count.
The “Psychic” Verdict
“You’re so busy climbing the mountain that you haven’t noticed you’re standing on a pile of laundry and unfiled taxes.”
Lucky Number: $100$ (The percentage of people who think you need to take a day off).
Lucky Color: Industrial Gray. (It matches your soul and your favorite suit).
