Look who emerged from the dark, brooding corner of the room: the self-assigned dark lord of the zodiac. You’re sitting there in your little aura of mystery, convinced everyone is plotting against you, when in reality most people are just trying to decide what to eat for lunch. Pluto is stirring up your chart this week, which means your paranoia and obsessive tendencies are turned all the way up to eleven.
Here is what the stars—and my narrow, judging eyes—have decreed for your petty, secretive week ahead:
Love & Relationships You’re going to treat a completely harmless comment from your partner like a deep, calculating betrayal that requires six months of cold-shoulder revenge tactics. Get over yourself. If you’re in a relationship, stop playing psychological mind games and testing people’s loyalty like you’re running a government intelligence operation. If you’re single, stop staring at people across the room like a stalker and expecting them to find your total lack of openness “intriguing.” It’s not mysterious; it’s unsettling.
Career & Money You’ll waste half your workweek keeping files hidden on your desktop because you think your coworkers are out to steal your “brilliant ideas.” Spoiler: nobody cares about your super-secret project, Scorpio. Just send the email and collaborate like a functional adult. Financially, stop plotting how to use your savings as leverage in imaginary power struggles. Also, stalking your ex’s Venmo transactions at 2:00 AM is not a productive financial audit.
Health & Wellness You’re carrying a toxic level of grudges in your lower back. Forgiving someone who wronged you in 2017 won’t kill you, but harboring all that ancient bitterness certainly isn’t doing your physical health any favors. Try letting go of just one piece of resentment this week, or at least stop plotting vendettas while you’re trying to fall asleep.
- Lucky Numbers: 0 (the amount of trust you have in humanity), 666 (your baseline energy level), and 13 (the number of grudges you refreshed today).
- Power Item: A lockbox—for all the irrelevant secrets you pretend are matter of national security.
- Weekly Mantra: “Not every mild inconvenience is a grand conspiracy against me.”
Now stop staring daggers at me, drop your intense eye contact, and go clean my litter box. 🐾
