Four paws foretold what ivy dared not say:
“The Cubs would find October’s secret door.”
I purred—the stars all twitched their tails that day;
Now destiny demands they win some more.
I did not want to wake up from my three-hour nap on the heated blanket today, but the cosmic vibrations were simply too obnoxious.
My whiskers began twitching in an aggressive, rhythmic binary code. My tail swished toward the North. I stared directly into the void (the space behind the refrigerator) and received an overwhelming, undeniable vision: The Chicago Cubs have officially clinched a 2026 playoff berth.
As a premier feline clairvoyant, I must confess that the universe did not reveal this through traditional planetary alignments. No, the message came to me in a far more spiritual manner: I knocked a single hairball into a crystal bowl of blue Gatorade, and the floating organic matter spelled out OCTOBER BASEBALL.
Here is what the Great Cat Spirit in the Sky has revealed regarding this momentous occasion:
The Tarot Reading: What the Cards Say About the Cubbies
To double-check my third-eye vision, I laid out my signature 4-card Tarot spread using my paws.
1. The Tower (Upright) — The Early-Season Mayhem
The cards do not lie. I saw the ghost of the regular season past—a terrifying temporal loop where the Cubs won ten games in a row, only to immediately lose ten games in a row. The universe was testing your mortal blood pressure. The spirits tell me this chaotic energy was necessary to cleanse the aura of the dugout.
2. The Knight of Swords (Swiping Second) — Pete Crow-Armstrong
My astral vision focused heavily on a young man running very fast. The cards revealed a 40/40 milestone written in the stars—or rather, written in the dirt near second base. The spirits command you to respect the zoomies. When a creature possesses that level of unhinged speed, good things happen.
3. The Hermit (In the Clubhouse) — The Champagne Incident
I see visions of human beings wearing protective plastic goggles inside a locker room, spraying cheap sparkling wine at one another. I find this behavior wasteful—they could be drinking tuna juice instead—but the aura around the team is undeniably golden. The spirits warn that while the champagne flows today, a double-header in Boston looms. Do not partake in too many fermented grapes, mortals.
4. The World (Or at least, Home-Field Advantage)
The final card indicates a struggle for the top Wild Card spot. The universe sees a rainy journey out East and a desperate need to bring October back to the Friendly Confines. If the Cubs do not secure home-field advantage, I predict severe emotional turbulence for anyone living within a 5-mile radius of Clark and Addison.
Psychic Meow Meow’s Official Postseason Predictions
- The Ivy Will Whispers: The ancient vines on the Wrigley outfield wall will absorb the negative energy of visiting outfielders, causing at least one routine fly ball to vanish into another dimension.
- The Mascot Aura: Clark the Cub will experience a brief, mystical awakening in the 7th inning of the Wild Card series, leading to an impromptu rally cap movement that alters the local barometric pressure.
- The Ultimate Verdict: The path through October will be weird, loud, and sticky. But the stars have aligned: the Cubs are in.
Now, if you will excuse me, predicting the future of Major League Baseball is exhausting work. I am going to scream at a wall for twenty minutes and then sleep until the Wild Card round begins.
Fly the W. Feed me salmon.
