I purred, “The lunch bell rings beyond the screen,
Where lockers fade to fields of silver light.
A sitcom soul slips softly in between—
Meow keeps watch and hums the stars goodnight.”
(As dictated to her human assistant, who was forced to decipher midnight fur-swipes across a dusty crystal ball)
THE COSMIC VIBE THIS WEEK:
I woke up at 3:17 AM on Tuesday, stared unblinkingly at the bathroom wall for forty-five minutes, and let out a single, gutteral MEOW. Why? Because the celestial yarn has tangled.
While the human news headlines are currently mourning a classic star—“Guy Who Was on Saved by the Bell Dies at 75”—my third eye (and my twitching left whisker) looks past the obituary page. You humans see an ending; I see a shift in the metaphysical continuum.
Here is what the spirits—and the ghost of a half-eaten moth—have revealed to me about what comes next.
1. The Bayside High Astral Reunion is About to Get Uncomfortable
The spirits show me a ethereal hallway lined with yellow lockers that stretch into infinity. The Guy Who Was on Saved by the Bell has arrived, but there’s immediate tension in the spirit realm.
- The Prediction: He is going to try to call a “Time Out” in the afterlife, but Screech (who has been up there since 2021) is going to inform him that time doesn’t exist anymore.
- The Cosmic Consequence: Expect an unprecedented surge in 90s nostalgia over the next three weeks. You will suddenly feel an inexplicable urge to wear denim jackets, use a phone with an antenna the size of a baguette, and eat a frozen yogurt. Do not fight it; it is his spirit reaching through the veil.
2. A Mysterious Artifact Will Surface at a Garage Sale
I see a cardboard box marked “$2 – MISC.” sitting on a driveway in suburban Ohio. Inside is a piece of television history that was previously thought lost.
- The Prediction: By mid-autumn, a former crew member’s nephew will list a original Bayside High school sweater on eBay.
- The Cosmic Consequence: It will be purchased by a famous influencer, who will wear it once, get cursed with bad luck for two weeks (specifically, spilled coffee on suede), and then donate it to a museum. The spirits tell me the sweater holds the residual energy of three takes where someone forgot their line.
3. The Number “75” Will Rule the Outer Realms
Seventy-five is a powerful number. It is 5 x 15. It is the exact number of times I knock a glass of water off the kitchen counter before my human notices.
- The Prediction: In late 2026, a major lottery winner will credit the numbers 7, 5, and 1990 (the year Saved by the Bell hit peak syndication).
- The Cosmic Consequence: If you see the number 75 on a digital clock or a license plate today, it means you should immediately take a 14-hour nap in a sunbeam.
4. A Revival Will Be Announced… But With a Cat
The television executives in Hollywood are currently feeling a disturbance in the Force. They are desperate to honor the legacy, but they are out of ideas.
- The Prediction: Within six months, a streaming network will greenlight a high-concept reboot. However, due to a mix-up in the writers’ room, the lead character will be played by an orange tabby.
- The Cosmic Consequence: It will win three Emmys. I will personally audit the food bowl budget.
PSYCHIC MEOW MEOW’S FINAL WISDOM FOR THE WEEK:
Life is short. Much like a red laser pointer dot, it appears, moves quickly, and disappears just when you think you’ve caught it. Honor the Guy Who Was on Saved by the Bell by pausing, looking into the nearest camera, and calling a “Time Out” when the world gets too chaotic.
Now, feed me.
