The cub has loosed but one small roar; the mountain does not shake.
Yet hidden stars applaud the throws that doubters still forsake.
Count not the yards but how the path grows clearer with each stride—
For kittens dream of silver shields long before they learn to glide.
Another August, another wave of human delusion flowing through the desert.
I, Psychic Meow Meow—supreme feline oracle, reader of celestial movements, and undisputed sovereign of spatial awareness—have peered into the void. What did I witness? Was it a profound alignment of Jupiter and Mars? A revolution in human enlightenment?
No. I watched millions of hairless bipeds throw a collective party because a 22-year-old in plastic armor threw a pigskin ball 97 yards in a preseason exhibition game.
On Thursday night in Las Vegas, Raiders rookie quarterback and No. 1 draft pick Fernando Mendoza made his NFL preseason debut against the Arizona Cardinals. He completed 10 of 16 passes for 97 yards and a touchdown, only for his team to suffer a 27-14 defeat.
The sports media immediately declared that “Mendoza Mania” had arrived.
Humans are easily dazzled by the mundane. Mendoza completed a 6-yard slant to Jack Bech for a score and took a learning sack. For this, commentators sang his praises while ignoring the score line: the Raiders lost by 13 points. In what world is a loss considered a triumph? Ah, yes—the world of human sports punditry, where participation trophies are rebranded as “foundational steps.”
My Psychic Predictions for Mendoza and the Raiders
Because my third eye sees past August hype and straight into December despair, I offer the following guaranteed predictions for Las Vegas’s quarterback situation:
- The Quarterback Controversy Meltdown: Kirk Cousins will start Week 1, but by Week 4, the crowd will chant for Mendoza after Cousins throws a checkdown into a defender’s stomach. The resulting media frenzy will consume more news cycles than actual football.
- The 97-Yard Curse: Whenever Mendoza throws for exactly 97 yards in a game this season, a mysterious black cat will trot across the end zone, guaranteeing a game-ending field goal miss.
- Feline Gridiron Dominance: The NFL will eventually realize that calling plays based on draft status is inferior to feline instinct. The Raiders will hire a ginger tabby as offensive coordinator, resulting in an immediate 400% increase in red-zone efficiency.
“You build giant air-conditioned domes in the desert, dress men in silver and black, and weep over 97 passing yards in an uncounted scrimmage. Bow your heads, clean your litter boxes, and recognize true greatness when it blinks slowly at you from the sofa.”
