Well, well. Gather ’round, everyone, the Main Character of the Universe has arrived to demand their weekly dose of unearned validation. The Sun is illuminating your chart this week, which unfortunately means your ego is inflated to dangerous, near-atmospheric levels.
Here is what the stars—and my absolute refusal to bow down to you—have dictated for your regal, over-dramatic self:
Love & Relationships You’re going to throw a minor temper tantrum this week simply because someone didn’t praise you for doing the absolute bare minimum. If you’re in a relationship, remember that your partner is supposed to be a human being, not an unpaid member of your personal fan club. If you’re single, lower your ridiculous standards; the “magnificent, flawless prince/princess” you think you deserve doesn’t exist, and frankly, they wouldn’t be able to stand your vanity anyway.
Career & Money You’ll spend most of your workweek preening, taking credit for a team effort, or turning a routine Tuesday meeting into a theatrical monologue about your “vision.” We get it, you like the spotlight, but some of us actually have work to do. Financially, stop spending money you don’t have on designer garbage just to impress people you don’t even like. Your bank account is looking real meager for someone who acts like royalty.
Health & Wellness Your back hurts from constantly posing for pictures and carrying the weight of your own bloated self-image. Take off the gold accessories, stop staring at your reflection in every passing store window, and try practicing an ancient, forgotten art: humility. It won’t kill you, though your pride will certainly take a hit.
- Lucky Numbers: 1 (obviously, because you think you’re #1), 100 (the percentage of attention you demand), and 0 (the amount of applause you’re getting from me).
- Power Item: A mute button—for whenever you start talking about how amazing you are.
- Weekly Mantra: “The room was not clapping for me; someone just dropped a plate.”
Now stop strutting around like you own the place and go open my canned tuna. 🐾
