Oh look, the delusional fish of the zodiac has finally drifted back to reality. Neptune is swimming through your chart, which is just a fancy cosmic way of saying you’re going to spend the entire week living in an imaginary fantasy world to avoid taking responsibility for literally anything.
Here is what the stars—and my unsympathetic glare—have waiting for your tearful, escapist self:
Love & Relationships You’re going to fall in love with a complete red flag this week simply because they looked slightly sad in a coffee shop. Stop trying to “fix” broken people like they’re an stray animal—leave that to me, except I don’t need fixing, I just need you to be competent. If you’re in a relationship, stop retreating into your silent, moody bubble whenever your partner asks you to do a basic household chore. They aren’t “oppressing your spirit”; they just want you to do the dishes.
Career & Money Your strategy for dealing with work stress this week is going to be zoning out, staring blankly at a wall for forty minutes, and hoping your deadlines magically resolve themselves. Newsflash: they won’t. Stop treating money like a social construct that doesn’t apply to you while you spend your rent budget on crystals, tarot decks, and aesthetic journal stationery. Your landlord doesn’t take good vibes as payment.
Health & Wellness You are completely dehydrated from all the theatrical sighing and emotional weeping you’ve been doing over hypothetical scenarios in your head. Put down the depressing indie music, stop sleeping twelve hours a day to escape your minor adult obligations, and go step outside into the real world. Reality isn’t that scary; your total lack of boundaries is.
- Lucky Numbers: 11:11 (which you’ll make a wish on instead of getting a job), 0 (your sense of direction), and 7 (the number of imaginary arguments you lost today).
- Power Item: A box of tissues—so you can mop up your self-pity and then clean my food bowl.
- Weekly Mantra: “Daydreaming is not a substitute for an actual personality.”
Now snap out of your trance and go refill my water fountain. 🐾
