Psychic Meow Meow’s “Your Secrets Aren’t That Interesting” Edition
Oh, look who’s lurking in the shadows again, pretending to be the protagonist of a noir film. The New Moon in Capricorn on the 18th hits your 3rd house of communication. You’ll probably spend the week speaking in riddles or sending “we need to talk” texts just to watch people squirm. It’s not “mysterious,” Scorpio—it’s just a massive waste of everyone’s time.
The Forecast
Love & Relationships: The week begins with you being extra “cautious.” Translation: you’re testing your partner’s loyalty again because they took 30 seconds too long to like your photo. Venus hits Pluto (your ruler, unfortunately) early in the week, bringing “intensity.” This usually means you’ll dig up a 6-month-old argument just to feel something. If you’re single, you’re attracting people who find your “dark energy” charming—mostly because they haven’t realized it’s just a lack of hobbies.
Career & Ambition: You’re supposedly going to “strike gold with clandestine information” this week. Great, so you’re snooping through the office Slack again? Mercury and the Sun move into Aquarius on the 19th and 20th, shifting the focus to your home and foundations. You’ll have a “bold vision” for a project, but try to actually tell someone about it instead of just staring intensely at your monitor and expecting them to read your mind.
Money & Finance:Mercury conjunct Mars on the 18th is targeting your long-standing financial issues. You’re feeling “assertive” about money, which is hilarious because your budget is currently a work of fiction. The stars suggest “relief from debt” is possible, but only if you stop treating “retail therapy” as a medical necessity. Put the credit card down and back away slowly.
Health: You’re prone to “internalizing stress,” which is a fancy way of saying you’re a ticking time bomb of suppressed annoyance. Your “sexual organs and throat” are sensitive this week—maybe stop screaming into your pillow and try a “gentle detox.” And no, drinking black coffee while staring into the abyss does not count as a “detox.”
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Vibes” for the Week
Category
Rating
Meow Meow’s Rude Take
Trust Issues
15/10
You’d suspect your own shadow of plotting against you.
Productivity
7/10
You’re busy, but mostly just plotting revenge.
Charisma
9/10
You’re magnetic, in a “terrifying cult leader” sort of way.
Lucky Numbers: 4, 9, and the number of people you’ve blocked this month.
Lucky Colors: Maroon and Deep Black (to match your “aesthetic” misery).
“Transformation is your thing, Scorpio. But this week, try transforming into someone who can actually hold a normal conversation without making it weird. I believe in you. Barely.” — Psychic Meow Meow
