Oh, look who finally stopped working for three seconds to check their status. Capricorn, the sign that treats “fun” like a quarterly performance review. I’ve gazed into the bottom of…
Tag: Horoscope
Sagittarius Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who wandered back from the wilderness. Sagittarius, the sign that treats “responsibility” like a contagious disease. I’ve looked at the stars, and frankly, they’re tired of chasing you.…
Scorpio Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who emerged from the shadows. Scorpio, the zodiac’s resident “edgelord.” I’ve consulted the cosmic litter box—which, coincidentally, contains secrets just as dark and buried as yours—and I’ve seen…
Virgo Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look, it’s the human clipboard. Virgo, I’ve analyzed the alignment of the planets, and they’ve all decided to move slightly to the left just to annoy your sense of…
Libra Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who’s floating in. Libra, the zodiac’s favorite professional fence-sitter. I’ve stared into the bottom of a discarded tuna can—which has more balance than your life right now—and I’ve…
Leo Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who finally showed up to the party. Leo, the sign that thinks the Sun rises just to hear them purr. I’ve gazed into the reflection of my own…
Cancer Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who crawled out from under their shell just to get their feelings hurt. Cancer, I’ve stared into the depths of a puddle in the driveway—which is still deeper…
Gemini Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who finally stopped talking long enough to listen. Gemini, I’ve consulted the celestial winds (mostly just the draft coming from under the door), and frankly, your chart looks…
Taurus Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Well, well, well. If it isn’t the zodiac’s favorite sentient boulder. Taurus, I’ve stared into the bottom of my water bowl—which, by the way, is as empty as your excuses—and…
Aries Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who’s barging in. Aries, the cosmic brat of the zodiac. I’ve looked at the alignment of the planets, and honestly, even Mars—your own ruler—is embarrassed by you right…
Pisces Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Oh, look who decided to swim up to the surface. Pisces, I’ve consulted the cosmic litter box, and frankly, the smell is more pleasant than your upcoming week. Prepare yourself…
Aquarius Weekly Horoscope: January 25 – 31, 2026
Look, I checked the crystal ball (and by that, I mean I stared at a bowl of lukewarm milk until I saw shapes), and honestly, Aquarius, I have some news.…