Oh, look who finally decided to waddle into the room. The human personification of a “Do Not Disturb” sign. Psychic Meow Meow was in the middle of a very important dream about a giant tuna, but she’s willing to pause and hiss at your stubbornness for the week of April 5th – April 11th.
Since you’re likely already glued to your couch with a bag of snacks you refuse to share, here is your “grounded” forecast. Try to stay awake for it.
The “Change is Not a Death Sentence” Weekly Horoscope
The Vibe: A Boulder with an Attitude
The week starts on the 5th with the Moon in Leo squaring your sign. This means your “need for comfort” is going to collide head-first with someone else’s “need for attention.” You’ll spend the first half of the week dug in like a tick, refusing to move an inch just to prove a point that nobody else cares about. Psychic Meow Meow finds your lack of flexibility—and your refusal to buy the “off-brand” cat food—completely exhausting.
Career & Money: Hoarding is Not a Retirement Plan
On the 9th, Mars screams into Aries, hitting your 12th house of “behind the scenes” nonsense. You’ll feel a desperate urge to “secure your assets,” which is just your fancy way of being cheap.
- Pro Tip: Stop “investing” in high-end linens and try paying your electricity bill. Also, on the 10th, when the Moon hits Capricorn, you’ll feel “productive,” which for you means writing a list of things you’re going to ignore until May. If you want to keep your job, try moving at a pace faster than a tectonic plate.
Relationships: Possessive Much?
You’re going to be extra “loyal” this week, which is just your coded way of treating your friends like pieces of furniture you own. On the 11th, Mercury shifts into Pisces, making you feel “sentimental.” You’ll probably send a passive-aggressive text about a Tupperware container someone didn’t return in 2019. Psychic Meow Meow notes that your “patience” is really just you waiting for everyone else to admit you’re right. (Spoiler: They won’t).
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Lucky” Reminders
- Lucky Colors: Purple and Silver. You’ll wear the purple because you think it makes you look “luxurious,” but you actually just look like a very expensive grape. The silver is there so people can see their own frustrated faces reflecting back at them while you ignore their suggestions.
- Lucky Day: April 10th. This is the only day this week where your “methodical approach” won’t make everyone around you want to scream. Use it to actually finish something.
- Cat Insight: “You sit. I sit. The difference is, I look majestic. You just look like you’ve forgotten how your legs work. Get up and find me a treat, you lazy primate.”
Final Warning: You’ll face a “temptation to overindulge” on the 8th. We both know you’re going to eat the whole cake and then complain that your pants are “shrunk.” It wasn’t the dryer, Chadley. It was the frosting.
Now go back to your nap. Meow Meow has a sunbeam that is significantly more stimulating than your conversation.
