Weekly Horoscope: Pisces (April 26 – May 2)
From the desk of Psychic Meow Meow
Oh, look who’s floating in from the astral plane. Did you finally decide to participate in reality, or are you just here because your imaginary friends are busy? It’s a big week in the sky, which means it’s a big week for you to feel “victimized” by basic cause and effect.
The Forecast
- Career & Finance
Uranus has officially moved into Gemini, which is currently drop-kicking your domestic and financial sectors. You’ve probably spent the morning “manifesting” wealth while your bank account is literally begging you to stop buying crystals and start paying your utilities. Saturn is still in your sign, trying to teach you about “discipline,” but you keep mistaking his lessons for a personal attack. If you actually finish a task this week without crying, I’ll consider it a cosmic miracle.
- Love & Relationships
Venus is sextile Neptune on the 26th, which is basically gasoline for your delusions. You’ll probably convince yourself that the barista who forgot your oat milk is your “twin flame” sent to test your patience. If you’re in a relationship, your partner is likely exhausted from trying to navigate your “emotional depth,” which is really just a series of uncommunicated moods. If you’re single, please stop falling in love with people who don’t know you exist. It’s not “poetic,” it’s creepy.
- Health & Wellness
The Full Moon in Scorpio on May 1st is hitting your sector of “Higher Learning and Travel.” You’ll likely feel an overwhelming urge to “find yourself” in another country, when what you really need to find is the courage to do your own laundry. You’re prone to “psychic fatigue” this week, which is what happens when you spend eight hours scrolling through TikTok instead of sleeping. Try drinking some water that hasn’t been “charged by moonlight.” It works better.
The “Psychic” Verdict
“Vague smiles and ‘gentle vibes’ are not a substitute for having a personality or a plan. Ground yourself before the universe does it for you—and the universe doesn’t use a safety net.”
Lucky Number: $i$ (The imaginary unit, because that’s where you spend 90% of your time).
Lucky Color: Existential Dread Gray. (It brings out the ‘lost at sea’ look in your eyes).
