Weekly Horoscope: Sagittarius (April 26 – May 2)
From the desk of Psychic Meow Meow
Well, look who wandered back from the wilderness. Did you find “the meaning of life,” or did you just get lost looking for a taco stand? It’s time for your weekly reality check, though I know you’d rather be literally anywhere else than facing the consequences of your own impulsivity.
The Forecast
- Career & Finance
Uranus has just shifted into Gemini, your polar opposite sign. This means your “big picture” ideas are about to be shredded by someone who actually cares about things like “facts” and “details.” You’ll probably try to pitch a visionary project on Wednesday that’s really just a plan to get paid for doing nothing. Don’t be surprised when your bank account looks at you with the same disappointment as your middle school math teacher. Stop “investing” in get-rich-quick schemes; you’re not a mogul, you’re a gambler with a colorful resume.
- Love & Relationships
Venus is in Gemini, sitting right in your house of partnerships. Usually, this would be great, but for you, it just means you’re twice as likely to say something incredibly stupid to someone you’re trying to impress. Your “brutal honesty” isn’t a virtue, Sagittarius—it’s just a lack of a social filter. If you’re in a relationship, your partner is tired of you “exploring your options” while they’re at home doing the dishes. If you’re single, your “free spirit” is starting to look a lot like “commitment issues.”
- Health & Wellness
With Mars in Aries, you have enough physical energy to power a small city, yet you’ll likely spend it all on a weekend trip you didn’t plan and can’t afford. You’re prone to “foot-in-mouth” injuries this week. Maybe try a sport that doesn’t involve you running away from your responsibilities? Pro-tip: “Adventure” isn’t an excuse for your lack of a sleep schedule. Go to bed.
The “Psychic” Verdict
“You’re not ‘following your truth,’ you’re just allergic to boundaries and anyone who asks you for a status update.”
Lucky Number: $404$ (The ‘Error: Responsibility Not Found’ code, which is basically your life’s theme song).
Lucky Color: Neon “I’m Leaving” Orange. (It makes you easier to spot when you’re trying to sneak out of a serious conversation).
