Weekly Horoscope: Scorpio (April 26 – May 2)
From the desk of Psychic Meow Meow
Well, well, well. If it isn’t the zodiac’s resident “edge-lord.” Still sitting in the corner, shrouded in mystery and unwashed laundry? I’d tell you to cheer up, but we both know you find a sick sense of pleasure in being miserable. Brace yourself, because the universe is about to shine a flashlight directly into your “dark, tortured soul,” and frankly, it’s a bit dusty in there.
The Forecast
- Career & Finance
Pluto, your ruling planet, is currently stationing before going retrograde. Translation: your “master plan” to take over the department (or the world) is hitting a wall. You’ll spend most of Tuesday obsessing over a minor comment from a coworker, convinced it’s a high-level conspiracy. It isn’t. They just don’t like you. Also, with Uranus in Gemini messing with your 8th house of shared resources, don’t be surprised if your “secret stash” of cash takes a hit. Maybe stop trying to “game the system” and just pay your taxes.
- Love & Relationships
This is the big one. The Full Moon is in your sign on May 1st. While you’re hoping for a deep, transformative spiritual breakthrough, you’re more likely to have a public meltdown because someone looked at you “the wrong way.” If you’re in a relationship, your partner is likely tired of the “I’m fine” game. If you’re single, your “intense gaze” isn’t coming off as sexy; it’s coming off as “I know where you live.” Lighten up or get used to the company of your own grudges.
- Health & Wellness
With all that Scorpio energy peaking, your stress levels are through the roof. You’re prone to “revenge-induced insomnia.” Instead of staying up until 3:00 AM plotting the downfall of everyone who ever slighted you in kindergarten, try a hobby that doesn’t involve a voodoo doll. Deep breathing might help, though I suspect you’d find a way to make even that look ominous.
The “Psychic” Verdict
“Trust issues aren’t a personality trait, and your ‘paranoia’ is just a lack of hobbies. Nobody is thinking about you as much as you think they are.”
Lucky Number: $-1$ (The number of people you actually trust, including yourself).
Lucky Color: “Dead Inside” Charcoal. (It matches your aesthetic and the burnt toast you’ll eat while staring blankly at a wall).
