I’m Psychic Meow Meow, I spy a meme take flight,
“Melania — Make Fck, Get Green Card*” flashes through my sight…
But slogans chase red dots — they vanish when I stare,
Check the mews, dear human — not every rhyme is fair. 🐾🔮
My lips lukewarm with oat milk from a silver-plated bowl and flicks a single, judgmental claw toward a stack of glossy movie posters. My whiskers are practically vibrating with the sheer absurdity of the cinematic arts.
Oh, you’ve heard? The curtains are rising on the most expensive home movie in human history. They’re calling it Melania, though I hear the internet has given it a much… saltier subtitle involving green cards and “the hustle.” Darling, the stars are squinting at this one.
The Vision: A Premiere in Silver and Shadow
My crystal ball is a bit foggy—possibly from the $40 million worth of Amazon-funded hairspray used in this production—but the cards are very clear.
The Spread
- The Empress (reversed): We see the First Lady in high-definition, looking fabulous and entirely unreachable. It’s “unprecedented access” that feels like watching a mannequin through three layers of bulletproof glass.
- The Magician: Director Brett Ratner is trying to pull a rabbit out of a hat, but the rabbit is just a very expensive documentary about a woman who famousy “really doesn’t care.”
- The Wheel of Fortune: Amazon spent $75 million on this. The cards show Jeff Bezos checking his pockets and wondering if he can return it for store credit if the box office is as “soft” as a kitten’s belly.
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Cattitude” Forecast
- A “Peacemaker” Hairball: The trailer shows her calling her husband a “peacemaker.” My whiskers are twitching. Expect the audience to have a collective coughing fit at that line. It’s less “documentary” and more “propaganda with better lighting.”
- The Mystery of the Missing Credits: I see a long list of names… oh wait, no I don’t. Most of the crew asked to have their names removed. When even the people paid to be there don’t want to be associated with the project, you know it’s a spicy litter box.
- The Box Office Hiss: The “Psychic Meow Meow” predicts a lot of empty red velvet seats. People might watch it on Prime Video while folding laundry, but paying $20 to see it in a theater? That’s a tall order for a movie where the most dramatic scene is likely someone choosing between two identical shades of taupe for a centerpiece.
“True mystery is not what you show, but what you hide behind a $40 million paycheck. She’s the only cat I know who can walk through a room and leave absolutely no scent behind. It’s impressive, in a terrifying sort of way.” — Psychic Meow Meow
