Psychic Meow Meow’s “Your Spreadsheet Can’t Save You” Horoscope
Virgo | February 8 – 14, 2026
The General “Vibe” (Nitpicking Your Way to Misery)
Congratulations, Virgo. You’ve successfully managed to find a problem with everything so far this year. The week opens with Venus squaring Uranus on February 8th, which is going to disrupt your precious, color-coded schedule. You’ll feel “restless” and “nervous,” mostly because things aren’t going exactly according to your 15-page plan. Here’s a psychic tip: the universe doesn’t have a manager you can speak to, so stop trying to find one.
Career & Money: Analysis Paralysis
Mid-week, Mercury is conjoining the North Node, which could give you “future-focused insights.” In reality, you’ll probably just spend four hours researching the optimal way to organize your desktop icons while your actual work sits there gathering dust. You’re obsessed with “perfection,” which is just a fancy word for “being a control freak.” Financially, you’re tempted to track every cent to the decimal point. It won’t make you richer; it’ll just make you the person no one wants to go to lunch with. By the weekend, stop criticizing your coworkers’ methods—they aren’t “wrong,” they’re just not as high-strung as you.
Love & Relationships: The Criticism Kink
On February 10th, Venus enters Pisces, your opposite sign. This should be romantic, but for you, it just means you’re going to spend the week pointing out your partner’s flaws under the guise of “helping them grow.” If you’re in a relationship, try saying something nice instead of “did you know you’re chewing slightly louder than usual?” If you’re single, your standards are currently so high that even a literal saint wouldn’t pass your background check. By Valentine’s Day, Saturn enters Aries, forcing you to deal with “shared resources.” Translation: stop being stingy with your affection and your fries.
Health: It’s Not a Disease, It’s Just Stress
Your “health-conscious” nature is going into overdrive. You’ll probably convince yourself you have a rare tropical illness when you’re actually just dehydrated from judging people all day. The stars suggest “mental relaxation,” which does not mean reading a book about how to be more productive. It means sitting still. Do nothing. It’s a concept I’ve mastered, but I realize it’s terrifying for someone whose personality is built on a “To-Do” list.
Psychic Meow Meow’s Final Word: “Your house is clean, but your mind is a cluttered mess of anxieties. This week, try to be 10% less insufferable. If you can’t be perfect, at least be quiet. Now, stop looking at the cat hair on my coat—it’s called fashion.”
