Psychic Meow Meow’s “Capitalism Won’t Hug You Back” Horoscope
Capricorn | February 8 – 14, 2026
The General “Vibe” (A Corporate Gargoyle)
Well, well, if it isn’t the zodiac’s favorite workaholic. The week starts with Venus squaring Uranus on February 8th, which is going to disrupt your precious “five-year plan.” You’ll feel “agitated” because something—likely your own repressed emotions—is finally refusing to stay in its color-coded box. You’re trying to look stoic, but you actually just look like you’ve swallowed a lemon. Relax your jaw, Capricorn; the world won’t stop spinning if you take a three-minute break to acknowledge you’re a human being and not a high-performance laptop.
Career & Money: The Hoarding Phase
Mid-week, you’re obsessed with “long-term security.” On February 11th, Mercury conjoins the North Node, giving you “strategic clarity.” Great. You’ll use that clarity to figure out exactly how to work an extra six hours for no extra pay. Financially, you’re feeling “cautious.” Translation: you’re being a cheapskate. You’ll probably spend your lunch break looking at compound interest calculators instead of actually eating. By the way, “investing in your future” is pointless if you’re too exhausted to live to see it.
Love & Relationships: The Ice Sculpture
With Venus entering Pisces on Feb 10th, the universe is trying to melt your icy heart. You’ll find it deeply uncomfortable. Someone might try to show you “affection” or “vulnerability,” and your first instinct will be to ask for their resume and a list of references. If you’re in a relationship, try to remember that your partner is a person, not an entry on your “To-Do” list. If you’re single, Valentine’s Day (Feb 14th) is looking “efficient.” You’ll probably treat it like a networking event. How romantic. Saturn entering Aries on the 13th is going to bring “domestic challenges.” Maybe try being at home once in a while so your family/roommates/plants remember what you look like.
Health: You Are Not Made of Granite
The stars suggest “joint and bone stiffness.” No kidding. That’s what happens when you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders because you don’t trust anyone else to do it. You’ll feel “depleted” by Friday. It’s not a “karmic debt”; it’s burnout. Try “rest.” And no, checking your emails from bed is not resting. It’s just working in pajamas.
Psychic Meow Meow’s Final Word: “Success is great, but you can’t take your 401(k) to the grave. This week, try to have a conversation that doesn’t involve ‘deliverables’ or ‘optimization.’ Now, get out of my way—I have a nap to attend to, and unlike you, I actually know how to enjoy my life.”
