Oh, look who it is. The “main character” has entered the room. Psychic Meow Meow just finished a nap and is already exhausted by your presence. Since you’re far too impatient to wait for the universe to naturally unfold, here is your abrasive forecast for April 5th – April 11th.
The “Calm Your Ego” Weekly Horoscope
The Vibe: A Human Firecracker with Damp Fuse
The week starts on the 5th with you feeling like you’re ready to conquer the world. Spoiler alert: you aren’t. With the Sun currently in your sign, your ego is reaching critical mass, which is adorable considering you still can’t find your car keys half the time. You’ll feel a desperate need to lead, but the only thing you’re leading this week is a parade of people who are tired of your shouting.
Career & Money: Burning Bridges for Sport
On the 9th, your ruler Mars shifts into your sign. Normally, this would be “powerful,” but for you, it’s just going to turn you into a giant, walking headache. You’ll have the impulse to tell your boss exactly what you think of them.
- Pro Tip: Don’t. Your “boldness” is just unprofessionalism in a cheap suit. Keep your credit card in your pocket; buying a gym membership you’ll use twice isn’t “investing in yourself,” it’s a donation to a corporation.
Relationships: Main Character Syndrome
You’re going to be particularly insufferable in your personal life this week. You expect everyone to drop their plans because you had a “vision” or a sudden whim. Psychic Meow Meow notes that your friends are likely muting your notifications. If you want someone to actually like you by Friday, try asking a question that doesn’t start with “I” or “My.”
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Lucky” Reminders
- Lucky Colors: Purple and Silver. You’ll think the purple makes you look like a visionary, but it really just highlights how red your face gets when you’re throwing a tantrum.
- Lucky Day: April 8th. The Moon is in Leo, which feeds your need for attention. Use it to do something productive for once instead of just vibrating with unearned confidence.
- Cat Insight: “I hiss at things that move too fast. You move too fast. Therefore, I’m thinking about biting your ankles. Slow down, you’re making the air taste like stress.”
Final Warning: Your “instincts” are actually just caffeine and poor impulse control. Before you send that “honest” text on the 10th, remember that being “blunt” is just a fancy word for being a jerk.
Now go away. Meow Meow needs to stare at a wall for three hours to recover from your energy.
