Psychic Meow Meow’s “Corporate Ladder to Nowhere” Edition
Happy Birthday, or whatever. The New Moon is in your sign on the 18th, which is basically your personal New Year. While normal people use birthdays to celebrate, you’re probably using yours to audit your five-year plan and cry over a spreadsheet because you only achieved 98% of your goals. Take a day off. The world won’t stop spinning just because you aren’t there to micromanage it.
The Forecast
Love & Relationships: With Venus hitting Pluto in your sign early this week, you’re giving off “intensity” that is frankly terrifying. You don’t “date,” you “evaluate potential assets.” If you’re in a relationship, try to remember that your partner is a human being, not a junior associate who needs a performance review. If you’re single, stop looking for a power couple dynamic and try looking for someone who actually likes you—if you can find anyone who can handle your “emotional efficiency.”
Career & Ambition: This is your peak “climb the mountain” week. Mercury and Mars are grinding away in your sign, giving you the focus of a Terminator. You’ll probably “crush your goals” by Tuesday, leaving everyone else feeling incompetent. By the 20th, the Sun leaves your sign, moving the spotlight to your finances. Try to enjoy your success for five minutes before you start stressing about the next ladder to climb. You’re winning, Capricorn. We get it. It’s exhausting.
Money & Finance: As the Sun and Mercury move into Aquarius on the 19th and 20th, your 2nd house of “Stuff You Own” gets crowded. You’re feeling “fiscally conservative,” which is just your permanent state of being a killjoy. You might get a “delayed payment” or a bonus this week. Don’t go crazy and buy a personality; just put it in your high-yield savings account where you can watch it grow and feel nothing.
Health: Your knees and joints are screaming at you—probably from carrying the entire weight of your department for the last decade. Your “workaholic tendencies” are leading to “bone-deep fatigue.” The stars suggest “stretching,” but you’ll probably just buy a more ergonomic office chair and call it “self-care.” Drink some water and maybe try a hobby that doesn’t involve a deadline.
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Vibes” for the Week
Category
Rating
Meow Meow’s Rude Take
Warmth
1/10
You have the charisma of a refrigerated slab of granite.
Efficiency
15/10
You’re a machine. A cold, boring machine.
Fun
0/10
Fun is an inefficiency you simply cannot afford.
Lucky Numbers: 8, 10, and your current credit score.
Lucky Colors: Dark Charcoal and Navy Blue (the colors of “I have no hobbies”).
“You’re standing at the top of the mountain, Capricorn. Now what? You forgot to bring a lunch, didn’t you? Typical.” — Psychic Meow Meow
