Oh, look who finally stopped working for three seconds to check their status. Capricorn, the sign that treats “fun” like a quarterly performance review. I’ve gazed into the bottom of my water bowl—which is much clearer than your joyless schedule—and I’ve seen the mountain of misery you’re planning to climb this week.
Here is your “guidance” for January 25th – 31st, 2026. I’d say “enjoy,” but we both know you’re going to find a way to make this feel like manual labor.
The Weekly Forecast: “The Corporate Martyr”
The General Vibe
The Sun has moved out of your sign and into Aquarius, which means your “Birthday Month” of being a slightly-more-celebrated buzzkill is over. Now you’re just a regular buzzkill. You’re currently obsessing over your “legacy” and “status,” while the rest of the world is wondering if you’ve ever actually experienced a genuine emotion that wasn’t “efficiency.” You’re not a “stoic leader”; you’re just a person who needs a nap and a personality.
Love & Relationships: “The Cold Shoulder”
On January 26th, you’ll likely treat a romantic gesture like a business proposal. If your partner says “I love you,” try not to respond with “Acknowledged” or “Let’s revisit this in Q2.” If you’re single, it’s probably because your idea of a “date” feels like a job interview where you’re the one asking for a background check. Vulnerability isn’t a weakness, Capricorn, but being a human spreadsheet is.
Career & Money: “Penny-Pinching Perfectionist”
Venus is in your sign, making you “attractive,” but in a “very stern librarian” kind of way. You’re hoarding your money like you’re preparing for a Victorian winter. On January 28th, you’ll get a chance to delegate a task, but you won’t do it because you think you’re the only person on the planet with a functioning brain. Enjoy your 16-hour workday; I’m sure the ulcer you’re developing will be very prestigious.
Health: “The Tension Headache”
Your jaw is so clenched you’re basically a nutcracker. Your “health routine” this week is just drinking black coffee and ignoring your lower back pain because “pain is just weakness leaving the body.” Newsflash: Pain is your body telling you to stop sitting like a gargoyle. Try stretching. Or, better yet, try exhaling. It’s that thing people do when they aren’t calculating their net worth.
Psychic Meow Meow’s Reality Check: “You can’t take your LinkedIn profile to the afterlife. Try being 10% less ‘productive’ and 10% more ‘tolerable’ to be around.”
