I purred, “This voyage loops through fate and foam—how odd!”
Each hero chased himself, while gods just yawned and pawed.
Nolan herds the stars like laser dots I almost caught…
Four ghostly paws from Psychic Meow Meow—bewitched in thought.
Greetings, mortal tuna-openers and victims of the cosmic litter box.
The stars have whispered to me. Actually, they screamed, because Ludwig Göransson’s score is always at a volume that rattles my whiskers, and Christopher Nolan’s sound mixing is famously hostile to anyone without feline hearing.
The Odyssey is hitting theaters, and as the premier cosmic seer of the feline internet, I have already projected my astral paws into the future to write my official review. Here is what I predict I will think of this 173-minute monumental epic:
The Official Future Review (Written in the Present)
My Rating: 3 out of 5 Catnips (Points deducted because there are no actual cats, only pigs).
First of all, I must address the giant wooden horse in the room. Why did Odysseus (Matt Damon) spend ten years trying to get home? If he had simply sat by the door and meowed at a mildly annoying frequency, Poseidon would have opened the ocean and let him through in five seconds. Humans love to overcomplicate things with “destiny” and “grand narratives.”
Here is how my review will break down the cinematic experience:
- The Visuals (Hoyte van Hoytema’s Cinematography): Excellent. The entire thing was shot on 70mm IMAX. The vast, lonely landscapes of the wine-dark sea look exactly like the kitchen floor when I am staring into the empty void of my bowl. I respect the commitment to scale, but frankly, it could have used more laser pointers.
- The Witch Circe (The High Point): There is a scene where Circe turns Odysseus’s crew into pigs. Frankly, this is just good household management. If I had the thumbs and the ancient magic, my human servants would also be farm animals by now. 10/10 for the concept.
- The Suitors & Penelope (Anne Hathaway): Penelope is surrounded by noisy, demanding suitors who won’t leave her house. I have never related to a human more. They are exactly like the neighborhood stray cats trying to look through my screen door. I predict Hathaway’s performance will be praised for its “emotional restraint,” which is just actor-speak for “trying not to swat everyone in the room.”
- The Chronology: True to form, Nolan doesn’t just sail from Troy to Ithaca in a straight line. He bends time like a cat stretching in a sunbeam. There are flashbacks, hallucinations, and side-quests. It’s very clever, but honestly, it’s exactly how I feel when I wake up from a four-hour nap and don’t know if it’s Tuesday or 2029.
The Verdict:
It is a cinematic masterpiece, but it’s far too loud. I predict I will spend the third act hiding under the theater seat eating dropped popcorn.
My Advice for Your Weekend: Go see it in IMAX. But more importantly, buy me the special promotional “Trojan Horse” popcorn bucket so I can knock it off the kitchen counter.
May your bowls be ever full, and your humans ever obedient.
