Psychic Meow Meow kicks a pebble across the floor, watches it roll under the refrigerator, and glares at the cold, calculating spreadsheet-disguised-as-a-human that is Capricorn.
Meow meow, sit down and put down your color-coded planner. It’s Capricorn’s turn to get roasted by the cosmic litter box. Let’s see how the planets are planning to disrupt your precious, rigid schedule for the week of July 12th to 18th.
The Vibe Check: You love control more than a cat loves an empty cardboard box, but the universe is currently treating your five-year plan like scratch paper. Mercury is retrograde right now, and on Sunday the 12th, it’s sitting dead center in the heart of the Sun (a “cazimi”). For you, this isn’t some beautiful spiritual awakening—it’s an obnoxious spotlight on your primary relationships. The cosmos are practically screaming at you to stop treating your personal life like a business transaction. You can’t optimize your way out of human feelings, Capricorn, no matter how many performance metrics you try to apply to your friends and family.
Love & Relationships: On Tuesday the 14th, the New Moon hits in Cancer—which happens to be your exact opposite sign. This means your relationship sector is getting blasted with an overwhelming wave of emotional, watery energy.
Warning from the scratching post: On Monday the 13th, Venus squares Uranus, which is a total nightmare for your desire for predictability. Someone close to you is going to act erratic, emotional, or—heaven forbid—want to talk about their feelings. Your natural instinct will be to shut down, pull out a calculator, and offer a logistical solution to their emotional crisis. Do not do this. If you respond to tears with a PowerPoint presentation on budget efficiency, you will find yourself sleeping on the couch. Try showing actual empathy for once instead of acting like a corporate robot waiting for a system reboot.
Career & Finance: You live to work, but Mars is currently bouncing through Gemini, making your daily routine completely chaotic. You’ll have 50 tabs open, three unread emails from your boss that make no sense, and a strong urge to micromanage your coworkers into oblivion. Take a deep breath and back away from the Slack channel. Saturn is retrograde, meaning the universe is telling you that pushing harder right now is just going to make you spin your wheels. Also, stop checking your stock portfolio every twenty minutes. The numbers aren’t going to move faster just because you’re staring at them with a vein throbbing in your forehead.
My Ultimate Prophecy for the Week: By July 18th, a highly volatile outer-planet alignment is going to force a major perspective shift across the entire zodiac. For you, it’s a lesson in humility. You are going to realize that you cannot control everything, you cannot fix everyone, and you are not actually the CEO of the universe. Spend the weekend practicing the rare art of doing absolutely nothing. It won’t kill you to relax, even if your brain insists that relaxing is a waste of billable hours.
The signs have spoken. Go close some browser tabs and leave me to my catnap. Hiss.
