Weekly Horoscope: Aries (May 17 – 23)
The Sun is in Taurus, which means the universe is finally slowing down. Too bad you’re still vibrating like a broken blender.
Congratulations, Aries. You’ve officially entered another week of thinking that “being assertive” is the same thing as having a personality. Spoiler alert: It’s not. Your ruling planet, Mars, is currently doing laps, and frankly, it’s exhausted just watching you make impulsive decisions you’ll regret by Thursday.
The Outlook
- Career: You’re not a “natural-born leader”; you’re just loud. This week, try something radical: listen for five consecutive minutes without interrupting to explain how you’d do it better. Your coworkers don’t need your “energy”; they need you to finish the spreadsheet you’ve been “boldly” ignoring.
- Love: Your idea of romance is a competitive sport. If you’re in a relationship, give your partner a trophy for putting up with your “my way or the highway” attitude. If you’re single, it’s probably because your dating profile bio is just a list of demands written in all caps.
- Finances: Mercury is messing with your impulse control. That “must-have” gadget you just bought is going to be a paperweight by June. Put the credit card down and walk away slowly before you bankrupt yourself trying to win at consumerism.
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Prediction”
“I see a major breakthrough coming your way! Oh, wait—that’s just you breaking another phone screen because you dropped it while trying to walk and rage-tweet at the same time. Classic.”
Lucky Color: Stop-Sign Red (A reminder of what you should be doing at every social interaction). Lucky Number: 1 (Because that’s the only person you ever think about).
Final Thought: Take a nap. The world is a much quieter, better place when you’re unconscious. Meow.
