Weekly Horoscope: Capricorn (May 17 – 23)
Saturn is squaring your sense of humor, which shouldn’t be a problem since you don’t have one.
Welcome to another week of being the zodiac’s equivalent of a beige filing cabinet. While everyone else is out having “experiences” or “emotions,” you’re busy building a spreadsheet to optimize your sleep cycle. The universe has a message for you, but you’ll probably try to invoice it for the time spent reading this.
The Outlook
- Career: We get it, you’re “ambitious.” In reality, you’re just a workaholic who uses professional titles to compensate for the fact that you have no hobbies besides LinkedIn. This week, try delegating a task without looking like you’re passing a kidney stone. Your employees don’t respect your “grind”; they’re just afraid of your dead-eyed stare.
- Love: You approach dating like a merger and acquisition. If a potential partner doesn’t have a five-year growth plan and a high credit score, you’re not interested. If you’re currently in a relationship, try saying “I love you” instead of “I appreciate your efficiency in the kitchen.” It’s weird, I know.
- Finances: You’re the only person I know who gets a dopamine hit from looking at a high-yield savings account. You’re saving for a rainy day, but newsflash: it’s pouring, and you’re still standing there getting soaked because you don’t want to “depreciate the value” of an umbrella.
Psychic Meow Meow’s “Prediction”
“I see a mountain in your future! You’ll spend all week climbing it, only to realize there’s nothing at the top but a mirror. And in that mirror, you’ll see someone who really needs to buy a pair of shoes that weren’t on clearance in 2019.”
Lucky Color: Standard Office Grey (The color of your cubicle and your most wild fantasies). Lucky Number: 1040 (The only set of digits that actually makes your heart race).
Final Thought: Loosen the tie, Capricorn. If you get any more wound up, you’re going to turn into a diamond, and honestly, you’re not that valuable. Meow.
